Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Through fairly convoluted means I've come across a song entitle "My Body is a Cage" by Arcade Fire. Now I don't know what their intent in the meaning of the song, but it's one of those songs that I've connected with. For me it came down to some of the deep-seated emotional hang-ups about myself. For reasons I don't really understand myself I have never felt that things such as physical contact or affection or closeness from me would be received very well. In fact I don't make any contact with people and I remain aloof because I believe that for some reason I disgust people. And, no matter how much people have told me that this is not the case, it sticks with me even though I know that it's all in my head. I can't get over the feeling that others would not be receptive to anything I have to offer beyond information and opinion derived from logic.

I am held back by feelings that don't even come down to body image ("My body is a cage"). I don't feel exceptionally unattractive, I even feel that I'm pretty average in that department. I don't goof off, I don't dance, I don't act to draw attention because I'm convinced that no one would accept that from me without making some sort of disparaging commentary or social ostracizing.

I'm sure that this isn't really the case ("But my mind holds the key") but I can't seem to move beyond being frozen and trapped in my deep-seated neurosis. Perhaps it's some form of social anxiety disorder. And I am well aware that this is a self-reflective "armchair diagnosis" but it fits. There are things I'd love to do but I just can't because of what I know to be irrational fears. I don't know what to do about this. I certainly can't do it alone.

But here's the weird thing. After listening to this song in study mode (you kind of get trained to do so when you seek a music degree) I feel more open and receptive. If there was someone here I felt close to, I don't know. Maybe I'm feeling a sense of love and there's no one around to share it with. Unlike my past feelings, I don't feel depressed. I'm actually feeling a little warm and content. There's a smile on my face right now. Now, if there was just someone to cuddle with. (awwwww)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

So I've finally decided to really start writing more often. This time I mean it. Before I was always holding back because I never wanted to put something out there that wasn't polished, that I wasn't satisfied with. The previous entry was my first posting of a fiction piece in its first draft form. Now I'm just going to write whatever the hell I want. So, this first post in that vein will hopefully shed some light on who I am, what I'm about and why I decided to change my habit.

Why change? Why write random entries and stream-of-consciousness mess? Well, I'm honestly at a point in my life where I might not be keeping pace with my peers. Most of my friends are getting on with their lives. Marriage, houses, babies, careers, the whole thing. Me? Well I'm working retail because it's currently covering the bills and I'm honestly afraid of taking chances right now especially when those chances will likely involve more student loans (not something I'm too keen to do) and probably mean a reduction in pay, which is something I can't really afford. Most of the people I hang out with these days are at least a bit older and all have their own family lives so it's not like I can just up and visit just to hang out. Their lives are busy. Mine, not so much. Friends from college are spread out. Even the ones close by aren't all that close, and, well, gas isn't cheap.

As for me, well I'll first identify myself as an autodidact geek with polymath intentions. What that means is that I'm more inclined to teach myself what I want to know than to seek out classes (the autodidact) and that I want to be more than a jack-of-all-trades (the polymath). In other words, I am always doing some sort of research and I will readily jump from one subject to another. Recently it's ranged from pre-revolutionary Russia to emergent augmented reality technologies to making my own soap (this one is current and I'll probably be purchasing some kits in the near future). If you don't understand what a geek is, I have to ask how long have you been on the Internet. Science fiction? I grew up on Wells, Verne and Bradbury. I was with The Next Generation from their Encounter at Farpoint. I was three when The Transformers first aired, and I'm pretty sure that I've been a huge fan ever since. I find strange (in my thoughts) enjoyment in 80s-90s B Sci-fi and Fantasy movies. Yes to anime. Video games aren't an everyday thing, but I put in some good time. I've rediscovered tabletop roleplaying games as I never had time in college (I'll explain that later). I'll probably meet most other geek-cred checks but I will maintain that Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings were horribly written.

Other real word descriptors are pretty much as follows.
Religion: none, I'm an atheist. I just don't think that I've been presented with any credible and believable evidence that couldn't be explained more simply.
Politics: libertarian. I pretty much dislike the two major parties and I don't think I've seen a good President since I've paid attention (did not pay much attention to Reagan or Bush). I think that we should be free to do as we wish so long as it doesn't harm another person or their property. The most difficult part of an libertarian ideal in my opinion is that it relies on independent responsibility, and I just don't think most of us can maintain that kind of effort.
Music: I was a music major so what I listen to is pretty eclectic, but most of the time these days (and most of my history) it's metal.
Food: I may not be much of a risk-taker or impulsive, but I do have a bit of an explorer side (wandering new areas when I have time to kill, investigating new places) and that holds true with food. I'll try just about anything, even if some might find it disgusting, but I would need some thorough convincing with fugu or huitloche.

And there. It happened. I ran out of steam. I don't know what else to put down in the self-explanation entry. Eventually I see about putting up a FAQ, maybe. That is, if there are ever question asked, much less frequently.