Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Through fairly convoluted means I've come across a song entitle "My Body is a Cage" by Arcade Fire. Now I don't know what their intent in the meaning of the song, but it's one of those songs that I've connected with. For me it came down to some of the deep-seated emotional hang-ups about myself. For reasons I don't really understand myself I have never felt that things such as physical contact or affection or closeness from me would be received very well. In fact I don't make any contact with people and I remain aloof because I believe that for some reason I disgust people. And, no matter how much people have told me that this is not the case, it sticks with me even though I know that it's all in my head. I can't get over the feeling that others would not be receptive to anything I have to offer beyond information and opinion derived from logic.

I am held back by feelings that don't even come down to body image ("My body is a cage"). I don't feel exceptionally unattractive, I even feel that I'm pretty average in that department. I don't goof off, I don't dance, I don't act to draw attention because I'm convinced that no one would accept that from me without making some sort of disparaging commentary or social ostracizing.

I'm sure that this isn't really the case ("But my mind holds the key") but I can't seem to move beyond being frozen and trapped in my deep-seated neurosis. Perhaps it's some form of social anxiety disorder. And I am well aware that this is a self-reflective "armchair diagnosis" but it fits. There are things I'd love to do but I just can't because of what I know to be irrational fears. I don't know what to do about this. I certainly can't do it alone.

But here's the weird thing. After listening to this song in study mode (you kind of get trained to do so when you seek a music degree) I feel more open and receptive. If there was someone here I felt close to, I don't know. Maybe I'm feeling a sense of love and there's no one around to share it with. Unlike my past feelings, I don't feel depressed. I'm actually feeling a little warm and content. There's a smile on my face right now. Now, if there was just someone to cuddle with. (awwwww)

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